Better Man
by Bibbiddy-boo
Summary: Just a little song fic about Lydecker, a bit soppy i know but i needed my Deck fix :)


Disclaimer: I own nothing! All I have is my tapes, and you'll never get those! *Mwahahahahaha…..coughs* *grins sheepishly* So sue me, it'll be fun. J

_Send someone to love me_

_I need to rest in arms_

_Keep me safe from harm_

_In pouring rain_

You wouldn't think I'd need someone, would you. I mean someone to love, someone to love me. Most people would look at my life – the long hours at work, the solitude of my job - hell, my job in itself would probably lead people to think I'm incapable of loving someone, let alone someone loving me. I'm not.

_Give me endless summer_

_Lord I feel the cold_

_Feel I'm getting old_

_Before my time_

I feel as if my life has been taken from me, snatched away, leaving me alone and looking back on what might have been. What was. And what I missed out on. I feel old. Especially around the soldiers. My kids. 

_As my soul, heals the shame_

_I will grow through this pain_

_Lord I'm doing all I can_

_To be a better man_

Of course I feel bad. Who wouldn't, when placed in my position. I remember when the X5's were born – they looked like any other babies. The only thing that made my kids different from the children on the outside was that they never cried. Though they often looked sad, gazing at their surroundings, they never once shed a single tear. I remember holding them each in turn so I'd be imprinted on their memories, their ultimate father figure. Not that I was much of a father to them. 

_Go easy on my conscience_

_'cause it's not my fault_

_I know I've been taught_

_To take the blame_

What a joke. My conscience. I know I have one, I feel it in action every time I look at my kids. The ones that escaped, and the ones that didn't. I know that the ones we recapture hate me. They all hate me. But I have to be willing to be the object of their hatred if it makes them better soldiers. Ha. Look at me, always a team player. I know they have to hate me, they have to take their anger out on someone. I just wish it didn't have to be me.

_Rest assured my angels_

_Will catch my tears_

_Walk me outta here_

_I'm in pain_

Angels. An interesting concept - I've never been a big believer in God. I guess playing God and creating life in a laboratory kind of ruined any chance of me respecting the real one, if He exists. No, the world's to screwed up for there to be a God. So I guess my angels are my kids. They take my pain. It makes me feel bad, taking out my inadequacies as a man on them. And then they try to take my guilt from me by believing us when they are told they deserve it. I don't think I deserve my angels. 

_As my soul, heals the shame_

_I will grow through this pain_

_Lord I'm doing all I can_

_To be a better man_

_Once you've found that lover you're homeward bound_

_Love is all around, love is all around_

_I know some have fallen on stony ground_

_But love is all around_

Love is a fragile thing. I found this out the hard way. Before, when I said that I might not be capable of being loved, I lied. I have loved, and been loved in return. But even though I gave my beautiful wife all of my strength, it wasn't enough. I never found out who was responsible for her death, and I probably never will. No doubt it was one of my many enemies, striking what they saw as my weak point. It is ironic – I spent the better part of the nine years the X5's were with me telling them not to form unneeded attachments, phoney sentimentality and all that. A lot of good it did them – X5-656, one of the few soldiers I actually have a lead on only surfaced because of her husband and son. That's probably my fault as well. I kept a double standard, allowing myself love while I denied it to my kids. What kind of father denies his kids love?

_Send someone to love me_

_I need to rest in arms_

_Keep me safe from harm_

_In pouring rain_

While my world continues to crumble around me, I feel that only one person can possibly give the help I so desperately need. Although I love all my kids, for all different reasons, I think the only one who can save me now is Max. Technically speaking, I should identify her by her designation, but she was never X5-452 to me. From the moment the X5's chose their names she was Max. I actually caught myself a few times, almost letting slip that I knew about their night time activities. The X5's we saw at night were completely different from the X5's I commanded during the day. They taught themselves so much – how to tell stories, how to name themselves, and most of all, how to love. That's what made me realize what I was missing – the look of discipline and obedience in Max's eyes as she looked at me paled in comparison to the love her eyes held when she looked at her siblings. I don't think she could ever regard me with that kind of love. 

_Give me endless summer_

_Lord I feel the cold_

_Feel I'm getting old_

_Before my time_

_As my soul, heals the shame_

_I will grow through this pain_

_Lord I'm doing all I can_

_To be a better man_


End file.
